Stressed Out

I had the following experience on a late night in Bombay:

-------------------------------------------------------

I woke up disturbed & switched on the light.
With a smile on its face,
          the clock came into sight.
It was 10 to 2, in the middle of the night;
And street dogs were howling,
          at the top of their might

piercing it serene calm & tranquil quiet.
Yet, by the rigors of the day, weighed down;
amidst the canine cacophony,
          people blissfully slept all around.

Search for a Beggar

An experience I wrote about in the early 2000s of my life...

----------------------------------------------------------------

It was 10:00 AM already on a Monday morning & I was about to rush out of my house to office when my wife beckoned, "I have got something for you...". Feeling somewhat elated, I stood back. She came out of the kitchen holding a small plastic bag. Snacks for 5 o'clock, I thought! "Its yesterday night's Upma. Give it to any beggar on your way to office", she said casually dropping the bag into my hands and disappeared back into the kitchen. What ever happened to the loooong, loving good-byes we used to enjoy after our wedding? The newly-weds euphoria had evaporated without me realizing it.

Feeling quite unpleasant, I rushed out with that slimy bag in my hands. I kept it covered in my palms so as not to be visible to others. There was always a beggar woman sitting just 10 blocks away & I'll get rid of this sticky bag, I thought! But as I turned to that corner, she wasn't there. Usually, she always there, well-established, with her big plastic dirty rug & a boy who's always crying. But today, she just wasn't there. May be, she's gone to the bank to deposit her week-end collections. (she has a bank account, if you didn't know). So I went on, the bag still in my hands.

There are 2 temples on the way to the railway station. And temples always have beggars in and around them. From far ahead, the first temple looked quite desolate. And sure enough, the beggars weren't there. It was 10.15 in the morning and no beggars! I wondered why! May be they were late to work too. Feeling sympathetic for them (c'mon, it's a Monday morning), I trotted on to the next temple only to find the same scene. No beggars again! Is everyone out to annoy me? Is this some evil design to harass me? Now I was starting to get annoyed. Bombay city & no beggars! Walking on, I neared the railway station. The station would not disappoint me, I was sure. I started wading through the crowd of office workers, dabba-wallas, fruit-wallas, innumerable hawkers peddling electronics, dirty CDs & ball point pens, and little urchins polishing shoes. Everyone around had some work. But nobody was begging. Wow! The economy is looking up. No unemployment, no poverty around! Those fleeting moments of joy disappeared very soon as I realized that the slimy little bag was still clutching my sweaty palm.

As I waited on platform number 2 for my Andheri local, I noticed that I was standing right next to a waste-bin. How convenient! All I have to do is quietly drop the bag in that bin & I am free. But it wasn't that easy. How could I do that? I had FOOD with me. My out-stretched arm withdrew itself, caught between annoyance and ethics. I had to get rid of that bag but I couldn't just throw it away.

The bag accompanied me all the way to Mahim. Andheri had betrayed me but I had high hopes on Mahim. And sure enough, I was not disappointed. I saw not one but two beggar women on the Mahim railway bridge. My walk almost turned into a trot as I was just a few feet away from freedom. The woman also knew that I was going to give her something & was looking at me with hopeful eyes. But her hope turned into disgust when she saw a bag of food rather than hard cash. I could not believe it! She refused my offering - just shrugged me off. Overcome with shock, disbelief, frustation and fear, I didn't offer it to the other woman lest she might insult me too. My ego was badly hurt.

Losing all hopes of conscientiously getting rid of that food-filled bag, I dragged my feet towards my office. I was still angry. How on earth could that lowly woman refuse me? Down the road, around the corner, I saw another guy—torn clothes, overgrown beard, dirty rag. Yeah, he was a beggar alright. I proceeded cautiously towards him and subtlely showed him the bag from afar. He was still eager. And sure enough he took away my bag happily. Happy he was & so was I. But I wasn't certain, who was more happy at that time—him or I !

I was happy, very happy. At last, I found a beggar!

Was it a reason to feel happy about? That thought came up for a while but didn't survive for long. Life was back to normal. And I was back to battling usual day-to-day work.

little arpan... big anubhuti...

Sharing a very intimate experience with all of you...

One morning, I was sitting near my 6 month son who had recently learnt to get up on his knees. He would get up on all his fours, and keep rocking himself all day. While rocking on his fours, he accidentally sat up. That was the 1st time he actually SAT, and I was so very happy to be present at that time.

Immediately, I went down on the floor & sat next to him lest he might fall down. He was swaying dangerously from side to side & I was ready to catch him. He was just about managing to hold himself up in between the sudden imbalances. But I didn't hold him. It was only when he was actually falling, did I catch him & prevent the crash. Sometimes, I even allowed him to fall when the crash wasn't too big.

This incident left a deep impact on my mind. I think this incident happens not in only childhood but keeps repeating all through our lives. Only the context of falling keeps changing. Many a times, we do not know that we are falling. We try our level best to keep ourselves up, reach higher, move forward and in that process, lose balance. Most of the time, we manage to keep our balance but not always. At all times, God is always watching, sitting right next to us, though we do not know. He does not hold us all the time, but watches quietly & feels happy about our efforts. He even lets us fall sometimes when the fall is not too big; and only when we lean too dangerously, does He grab us & put us back on track.

But we, in our ignorance, start cursing Him in the process of our imbalance. We start questioning His existence and/or His love, at the slightest of misfortunes.
He is watching, and will surely hold us but only when we sway too dangerously.

• He is always there, exactly as I was with my little son.
• He desires your growth with your own efforts, exactly as I want for my son.
• He is ready to do anything for you, exactly as I am for my son.
• He is madly in love with you, exactly as I am with my son.

This was my big anubhuti from little Arpan that morning.